Random Erik

Does anyone else have this fantasy? The one where you’re back somewhere in your past, but you have your current brain? Anybody?

Because I have this fantasy fairly often, especially when I’m dwelling needlessly on something from my childhood or going through a bout of depression. “I should have done this, I should have said that, I should have reached out to one person and not allowed another person into my life.” That sort of thing. This goes beyond wishing you had known something that would have helped you: it’s a dream of reliving your life with full knowledge of what’s coming and with a lot of experience to help reshape that life.

Plus, wouldn’t it be cool to have the brain of an (almost) 40-year-old in an 8-year-old’s body? IQ is determined by dividing mental age by chronological age and mutliplying by 100. 100 is the average IQ, where your mental and chronological ages are equal. Now I pride myself on being a bit smart, so I like to think that my mental age is actually above my current chronological one. But even if you assume 40 as my mental age, Li’l Erik would be the proud owner of a 500 IQ. It wouldn’t take long for my parents and teachers to realize that, just maybe, I’m too advanced for the third grade. They’d stamp “prodigy” all over my permanent record using a specially made “prodigy” stamp. They’d probably send someone over to the stationery store at lunch break to pick it up. College graduate by 11? Masters degree by 13, maybe? Not a Ph.D., though, I never liked school that much and I’d be content to await the honorary degree earmarked for me. And I’m betting on a full scholarship, since I’d be a point of pride for the university lucky enough to score my attendance.

And the people. I may not remember everyone at first, but I’d quickly remember who the real snakes are. With the maturity, knowledge, and wit accumulated through the years, the bullies of my childhood wouldn’t find the easy target that I presented before. Nope, I’m betting that I’d be able to psychologically scar an 8-year-old bully if I put my mind to it. And there are a few names from my past that come to mind: I’d have no qualms about using my 500 IQ brain to find a special hell for those guys.

Do you get the feeling that I’ve put a lot of thought into this? Does anyone else have this fantasy? Hello?

Being who I am, though, I’ve also run into the dark side of this dream. That’s my way, looking for the possible negatives in any situation. The glass may be half full, but would I want to drink the contents?

Let’s start with the impact on my parents. I magically implant my older, smarter brain into my dimwitted and naive 8-year-old self. Overnight, I’m suddenly a mental grown-up (well, sort of). So my parents miss out on watching me grow gradually from childhood to a (they hope) mature, responsible, and delightful person. My parents like to think their children are capable of genius, but to be saddled little Mr. 500 IQ might be more than they wanted to deal with.

Then there’s my social life. Hanging with people my age wouldn’t be much fun for long. Not that I don’t enjoy being around kids, but being thrust back into their society isn’t exactly enticing. I think the conversation would dry up pretty fast. Meanwhile, hanging out with my mental peers wouldn’t be much better, since they’d probably have a hard time dealing with little me as an equal. Besides, who’d let me sit with them and discuss things over a glass of wine? Maybe I’d have to move to France for that. Where would I find suitable dating partners. At least until I hit 18, it would be hard to find a relationship that wouldn’t seem creepy (I won’t elaborate… you can work that out for yourself if you are so inclined).

But the biggest question of all, at least for me, is whether the results of this trip into the past would make my life better or worse when I finally caught up to 40 again. Would I have met the people who really matter to me, and would they have responded to me in the same way? Would I be richer or poorer? Happier or more depressed? More, or less, satisfied with my life overall? Suppose all I do is make things worse and begin a fantasy about never having had that other stupid fantasy in the first place. And the worm continues to eat it’s own tail. Our experiences make us who we are: would I like the person formed by such unusual experiences? Would I like him better?

Of course I realize it’s just a fantasy. If I thought I could really do such a thing, my 8-year-old self would have a lunatic streak that he simply doesn’t need. I couldn’t do that to him. He has enough trouble. But sometimes it’s fun to think about it. And sometimes it’s not very much fun, but I do it anyway. And I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s thought about these things.

I’m not, am I?